Dad's wisdom is like a GPS that occasionally gives you the scenic route for free.
"Why did the dad joke cross the road? To embarrass his kids on the other side."
"My dad's wallet is like an onion. Every time he opens it, he cries a little."
"You can always count on Dad to have a screwdriver for a problem that requires a hammer."
"I've got the ultimate Dad superpower: the ability to hear a sneeze through walls and respond with a 'bless you!'."
"Dads are like boomerangs; I hope... Mine never came back."
"Dad's favorite way to relax is by ‘resting his eyes’ during every movie."
"Dad’s diet tip: If you eat it standing up, the calories don’t count."
"If you ever need to find my dad, just turn off the lights. He'll appear and say, 'Do we own the electric company?'"
"Dad doesn't snore; he just dreams he's a chainsaw artist."
"Fatherhood: where your back goes out more than you do."
"My dad thinks a 'smart TV' is one you can watch without getting up to adjust the antenna."
"Dad’s three stages of life: Young buck, middle-age duck, old truck."
"When I asked Dad for his secret to a happy life, he said, 'Always buy extra batteries.'
"Dad's favorite morning workout is trying to find his keys."
"If 'I'm not sleeping, I'm just resting my eyes' was an Olympic sport, my dad would be a gold medalist."
"Dads don't get lost on road trips. They take 'adventure detours.'
"Dad to the waiter: 'Nice to meet you, Hungry. I'm Dad.'
"In my dad’s world, shocked is what you get when touching a doorknob, not an emotion."
"My dad's favorite way to shop is to not."
"You know you're a dad when you've mastered the art of sneaking veggies into food like a culinary ninja."
"According to Dad, the perfect time to mow the lawn is always 'later.'
"Dad's recipe for success: if at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0."
"Dads don't get gray hairs; they get 'wisdom highlights.'
"My dad's life motto: 'If it ain't broke, I haven't tried to fix it yet.'
"My dad's phone has more push buttons than a spaceship, and he uses exactly two of them."
"Dad's favorite historical figure is the remote 'control.'
"Why are dads like smartphones? They have all the answers until you ask them to do something."
"I bought my dad a GPS for his birthday. Now he gets lost with high-tech help."
"To my dad, five minutes means 'anywhere from 30 seconds to 5 hours.'
"A dad is someone who's been there and fallen asleep through that."
"Dad's idea of multitasking is losing the remote and his glasses at the same time."
"My dad gave me sound financial advice: 'The money goes in the piggy bank, not the other way around.'
"Dad's favorite all-purpose tool: duct tape, the force that holds the universe together."
"When you ask Dad what's for dinner, 'food' is always a safe bet."
"If grilling were an art form, dad would be the 'grate' master."
"Dad’s logic: If you don't know where something goes, that means it's time to buy a new one."
"Dad's favorite inspirational quote: 'Go ask your mother.'
"I asked my dad for his favorite joke. He just gave me a mirror.
"Behind every great dad is a family ignoring his dad jokes."
"Dad's level of 'being ready' is wearing the same outfit he's had on since noon."
"Dad's favorite money-saving tip: 'Turn off those lights or sleep by the fuse box!'
"My dad's fashion sense is best described as: ‘It was on sale.’"
"Dad has a black belt in saying 'hi' to every dog he meets."
"Dad jokes: Half the time they don't work, but that never stops him from trying."
"My dad can fix anything, except the things he 'fixed' last week."
"Dad’s car maintenance tip: If the check engine light comes on, check if the engine is still there."
"In an average day, Dad uses his drill more than his phone and is prouder of that fact."
"Dads have this strange belief that the thermostat is only for decoration."
"Dad's answer to 'what time is it?' is always 'time to get a watch.'
"According to my dad, tying a tie is a skill you learn once and use twice a year."
"For dad, the snooze button is just a suggestion."
"Dads and groans, the two sounds you hear whenever he bends over."
"Dad’s serenity prayer: God grant me the patience to deal with my tech, the courage to call tech support, and the wisdom to switch it off and on again."
"The Bermuda Triangle is nothing compared to the mysterious depth of Dad’s tool chest."
"My father is like a tree... mostly because he might be part-asleep when he's standing.
"Dad considers his jokes to be fine wine—the rest of us think they're more like vinegar."
"Dad’s fitness advice: If you can walk to the fridge, you don’t need gym membership."
"Dad’s bedtime stories were less ‘Once upon a time’ and more 'Back in my day...'
"My dad’s remote control is older than I am, and he still refuses to upgrade."
"Dad's approach to modern art: I can do that, but I'd have to break something first."
"Dad says he doesn't believe in superstitions, but he won’t change the score if his sports team is winning."
"If you want to find Dad at a party, just follow the sound of someone mispronouncing hors d'oeuvres."
"Dad's phone background is just a gigantic clock. That's it. No pictures. Just time."
"My dad considers a well-timed burp part of a balanced conversation."
"Dad says he's not yelling; that’s just his 'outside voice' inside."
"If you need Dad, he'll be in the garage turning piles of 'might need that someday' into 'definitely don’t need this ever.'
"Anytime Dad cooks, the smoke alarm cheers him on."
"Dad believes the Internet is a passing fad, but his VHS collection is 'forever.'
"‘Lefty-loosey, righty-tighty,’ – Dad’s philosophy for screws, and apparently life decisions."
"Why did dad bring a ladder to the bar? He heard the drinks were on the house."
"Dad’s favorite fitness activity is jumping to conclusions."
"According to my dad, everything is 'just a phase,' except his sandals with socks phase—that's eternal."
"Dad says he's 'as fit as a fiddle,' but his idea of a workout is bicep curls with the remote."
"Dad’s music playlist is like a time machine that goes only one way: back."
"The only thing my dad is more committed to than his puns is pretending he didn't hear Mom's 'honey-do' list."
"My dad's fashion motto: 'I dress for comfort. If it were for style, I'd be uncomfortable.'"
"Dad's forecast for any outdoor event: 'It might rain, better bring the entire house.'
"When Dad says he’s ‘running errands,’ it's code for a mystery tour that ends with ice cream."
"Dad's cooking motto: It's not burnt; it's Cajun style!"
"According to Dad, 'new car smell' is just old cars dreaming."
"If you hear a pun, you know Dad is around the corner wearing his ‘Pun-ish’ shirt."
"Dad’s gardening tip: Talk to your plants. If they talk back, you’ve watered them too much."
"My dad's favorite historical event is the birth of the lawn chair."
"Borrowing something from Dad is like signing a lease; you'll get daily reminders."
"Dad prides himself on his sense of direction, which is great, so long as you don't want to get there quickly."
"According to Dad, asking for directions is just attending a local storytelling session."
"Dad’s dieting advice: 'You can't eat it if you can't pronounce it,' which is why he sticks with pizza."
"In my dad’s car, every light on the dashboard is just 'mood lighting.'
"Dad’s party trick is to disappear when it’s time to help clean up."
