"Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!" - Jessica Palmer
"If life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye." - Jessica Palmer
"Some days, I'm the pigeon; other days, the statue." - Jessica Palmer
"Life's too short to leave the cake uneaten." - Jessica Palmer
"If you see me talking to myself, just know I'm in a team meeting." - Jessica Palmer
"My bed and I have a special relationship; we're perfect for each other. But my alarm clock just doesn’t get it." - Jessica Palmer
"If laughter is the best medicine, someone owes me health insurance." - Jessica Palmer
"Running late is my cardio." - Jessica Palmer
"Age is merely the number of years the world has enjoyed me!" - Jessica Palmer
"I'm fluent in three languages: English, Sarcasm, and Profanity." - Jessica Palmer
"Reality called, so I hung up." - Jessica Palmer
"If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted, I wish I had some ice cream." - Jessica Palmer
"Coffee is my favorite coworker." - Jessica Palmer
"I'm great in bed. I can sleep for hours!" - Jessica Palmer
"I was going to make a vegetable joke, but it was too corny." - Jessica Palmer
"Whoever said 'nothing is impossible' never tried slamming a revolving door." - Jessica Palmer
"Never trust an atom. They make up everything." - Jessica Palmer
"Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair." - Jessica Palmer
"Stressed is just desserts spelled backwards." - Jessica Palmer
"I'd tell a chemistry joke, but all the good ones are argon." - Jessica Palmer
"Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!" - Jessica Palmer
"I’m not great at advice. Can I offer you a sarcastic comment?" - Jessica Palmer
"If napping were a sport, I'd be an Olympian." - Jessica Palmer
"The first five days after the weekend are the hardest." - Jessica Palmer
"I love my computer because my friends live in it!" - Jessica Palmer
"I told my suitcases there won't be a vacation this year. Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage." - Jessica Palmer
"If calories screamed when you burned them, I’d join a gym." - Jessica Palmer
"When I said I cleaned my room, I meant I made a path from the door to the bed." - Jessica Palmer
"My idea of a balanced diet? Chocolate in both hands." - Jessica Palmer
"I was on a diet for a month and all I lost was 30 days." - Jessica Palmer
"Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything." - Jessica Palmer
"Is 'UGH' an emotion? Because I feel it." - Jessica Palmer
"I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it." - Jessica Palmer
"Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one!" - Jessica Palmer
"Some days I amaze myself. Other days, I look for my keys while holding them." - Jessica Palmer
"I don’t have ducks. I don’t have a row. I have squirrels, and they’re everywhere." - Jessica Palmer
"If you can't convince them, confuse them." - Jessica Palmer
"The best way to show you care is by sharing your food, except my fries. Hands off my fries." - Jessica Palmer
"Having plans sounds like I have to put on pants. So, no thanks." - Jessica Palmer
"Eating salad for dinner? Clearly, I was delusional this morning." - Jessica Palmer
"Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it's a beautiful day." - Jessica Palmer
"The early bird can have the worm because worms are gross and mornings are stupid." - Jessica Palmer
"Of course I talk like an idiot. How else could you understand me?" - Jessica Palmer
"Every time I say 'the older I get', I have to level up." - Jessica Palmer
"Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years." - Jessica Palmer
"If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?" - Jessica Palmer
"Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts." - Jessica Palmer
"When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance." - Jessica Palmer
"The fact that there’s a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers." - Jessica Palmer
"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth." - Jessica Palmer
"Diet tip: Your pants will never be too tight if you don’t wear any." - Jessica Palmer
"I started with nothing, and I still have most of it." - Jessica Palmer
"I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!" - Jessica Palmer
"When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's cute. I just find it weird how many people take knives on a date." - Jessica Palmer
"If you see me smiling, it's because I’m thinking of doing something evil or naughty. If I am laughing, it’s because I have already done it." - Jessica Palmer
"The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in the dark." - Jessica Palmer
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, why did it fall off?" - Jessica Palmer
"I wonder what my dog named me." - Jessica Palmer
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right." - Jessica Palmer
"Why is Monday so far from Friday, but Friday is so close to Monday?" - Jessica Palmer
"You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you do for fun." - Jessica Palmer
"The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket." - Jessica Palmer
"The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one." - Jessica Palmer
"I'm not lazy, I'm on energy-saving mode." - Jessica Palmer
"By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong." - Jessica Palmer
"Maybe if we start telling people the brain is an app, they will start using it." - Jessica Palmer
"Never trust people." - Jessica Palmer
