Why did the scarecrow win an award?
He was outstanding in his field
What do you call fake spaghetti?
An "impasta"
Did you hear about the kidnapping at the playground?
They woke up
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?
It was two-tired
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high
She looked surprised
What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, they just waved
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear
Why don’t skeletons fight each other?
They don’t have the guts
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity
It’s impossible to put down
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells
Why did the tomato turn red?
Because it saw the salad dressing
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frostbite
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
I couldn't figure out how to put my seatbelt on
Then it "clicked"
I told my computer I needed a break
It said, "No problem, I'll just freeze"
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one
I'm friends with all electricians
We have great current connections
Why did the scarecrow become a banker?
He was great at stalking corn
I got a job at a bakery
Because I kneaded dough
Did you hear about the cheese factory explosion?
There was nothing left but de-brie
I’d tell you a construction joke
But I’m still working on it
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one
How do you organize a space party?
You planet
Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
They make up everything
I used to be a baker
Because I kneaded the dough
Why did the tomato turn red?
Because it saw the salad dressing
I know a lot about wind turbines
I'm a big fan
My wife asked me to sync her phone
So I threw it into the ocean
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was in tents
Why don't skeletons go trick or treating?
They have no body to go with
I would tell you a joke about an elevator
But it's an uplifting experience
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it
Why was the belt arrested?
For holding up a pair of pants
Why did the chicken go to the séance?
To get to the other side
I could tell a joke about pizza
But it's a little cheesy
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
It was soda-pressing
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one
How do you throw a space party?
You planet
What do you call a pile of cats?
A meowtain
Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band
But I left because it was just one ting after another
My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?"
I said, "No, it doesn’t"
Why did the bicycle fall over?
It was two-tired
Why was the math book sad?
It had too many problems
Why don't scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything
I told my computer I needed a break
It said, "No problem, I'll just freeze"
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?
All they ever said was, "Bach, Bach, Bach"
Why did the scarecrow keep getting promoted?
Because he was straw-mendous at his job
Why don't eggs tell each other secrets?
Because they might crack up
Why did the chicken go to the séance?
To get to the other side
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field
Did you hear about the kidnapping at the playground?
They woke up
Why don’t skeletons fight each other?
They don’t have the guts
Why did the tomato turn red?
Because it saw the salad dressing
How do you organize a space party?
You planet
Why did the bicycle stand up by itself?
It was two-tired
Why did the scarecrow keep getting promoted?
Because he was straw-mendous at his job
Did you hear about the kidnapping at the park?
They woke up
I used to be a baker
Because I kneaded the dough
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it
I told my computer I needed a break
It said, "No problem, I'll just freeze"
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?
All they ever said was, "Bach, Bach, Bach"
Why did the bicycle fall over?
It was two-tired
Why don’t scientists trust atoms anymore?
Because they make up everything
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